Incredibly Stupid Parody

This post is 4+ years old, and it’s under a readmore for a reason. I apologize for anything that makes you cringe. I’m cringing  thinking about what’s below, and now I’m cringing even more thinking of your (completely deserved) reaction. -8/11/17

I decided to write something before the year ended, So I made a parody of Reincarnation. .

“Bye, Sweetie,” Dad called, as he sped away, “Time to be someone else’s problem for a few months!”

“Wait my-” I began as my suitcases hit the sidewalk beside me, “Love you, too, Dad.” I called.

My first day at Alpha Academy. Secretly, I was very nervous. I walked through the hallways, trying to guide myself to the Headmistress’s office with a map I’d dropped in a mud puddle earlier. Sadly, most of it was smudged, making it difficult to read.

I tried to resort to signs, but the closest things I saw were brightly colored posters, which advertised the girls’ Floor Hockey team, and laminated pages that read:

Hallway Rules:
No Running.
No Eating.
No Shoving.
-And Absolutely No Gangnam Style.

Each had a stick figure doing whatever action was posted under it covered with the classic Red X.

That was useless.

Time for Plan B- Ask someone. I looked around, finding absolutely no one. Fine. Back to the map.

I looked at the piece of paper, squinting to see the writing. The Headmistress’s office was on the top floor, several flights of stairs away.
~
“Ah, Miss Alexander,” The Headmistress purred as soon as I stumbled into her office, “Have a seat.”

“Thanks,” I said, trying to catch my breath.

“Enjoying your first day?” She asked.

Ha- Uh, No. “Yeah,” I said, “The campus is really pretty.” I stopped to catch my breath, then added stupidly, “And you have a lot of stairs.”

“Of course we do,” She said, starting to stand up, “Here is your schedule. And please- Do not drop this into a mud puddle. Yes, I noticed what had been done to the map I sent you. Also, the key to your dormitory. You are dismissed.”
~
13A. 13A… Where the heck was 13A?

12C. 12D… 13A!

I ran toward the room, tripping over an untied shoelace. My stuff scattered everywhere and even though a part of me said ‘Hey, at least it wasn’t a mud puddle this time’, the other part said ‘This is going to be a pain in the butt to pick up’.

On the up side, most of it landed near the door of dorm 13A.

‘Be grateful. No one witnessed the fall’, A voice in the back of my mind said, ‘You still have your pride and your dignity.’

“Yeah, I guess I-,” I began, before realizing I was talking to no one, “How hard did I fall?”

‘Not very hard,’ The voice said, ‘Minor injuries. A few scrapes, maybe bruises. Your elbow is bleeding, by the way. Might want to do something about that.’

“Thanks,” I said, before realizing that yet again, I was talking to no one, “Get outta my head!”

‘I would, but I’m afraid that is impossible. Much to my dismay. Ugh, I expected someone so much better.’

“Don’t make me poke you with a Q-tip…”

‘Just enter your dorm. It is the door to your left- No, your other left.’

I used my key card to unlock the door, turning the knob to enter. The first thing I noticed was the size. It was bigger than my living room.

The second thing I noticed? I shared a room with three other people. Ugh.

One corner had running equipment in it, the next had a collection of brightly colored clothes, and the other had some sketchbooks and jars of- Was that peanut butter? What kind of people am I living with?! I thought.
~
‘Now that we’re finished, Could we spear fight?’ The voice asked, ‘I miss spear fighting terribly…’

“How about not?” I said, “I don’t want to be expelled for maiming someone.”

‘Not expelled,’ The voice offered, ‘Severely punished, maybe.’

Because that’s about to change my mind.

“Can’t we fight with a bow and arrow?” I asked, “I could run around, pretend I’m Katniss E- Please tell me I didn’t say that out loud.”

‘I am not Katniss Everdeen. I do not want to live in a meadow with a boy named after bread.’

“What? She ends up with- You know what? Let’s go to class. I’m Sasha, by the way. Might as well get to know each other if we’re stuck together.”

‘My name is Athena,’ The voice said, ‘Goddess of wisdom and warfare.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Oh magical goddess,” I muttered, “Now tell me where- and what Prophecy Class is.”

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