After spending a few hours clearing old posts from this blog and Where Thunder Roars (along with mentally apologizing to anyone who knew me at the ages of 12-15), narrowing the posts down to the more “quality” ones that talked about an important point in my life, or documented something that was important on the blog. To put it in perspective, there are 60 of my posts in the WTR trash, most of which were “stories”. I’m finally done with the “undoing” process, as my AP English teacher called it. I needed a cleanse so badly after the things that have plied up over the years.
I’m incredibly thankful that my obligatory “cringy” (as today’s 12-15 year olds call it) early teen behavior didn’t make it onto YouTube or Instagram where more people could see it, and one of those people could possibly be someone I knew in real life. I would’ve been cyber bullied so hard, and the dumpster fire that is my self-esteem would be even lower, if that’s actually possible. (Years of bullying and social rejection have already ruined my body image and given me major trust issues. Being called weird and ugly does things to a girl, especially as a preteen.) I lost all of my friends after high school because I was finally smart enough to realize I was in a borderline abusive friendship and made the attempt to get out. Sadly, all of my friends were also this girl’s, and they sided with her.
This was the girl I was talking to in It’s Okay to Be Different. She would complain to me and expect me to listen and feel sorry for her, but when it came time for me to talk about my issues, she would either change the subject, or come up with a catty response. She made plans at the lunch table with everyone but me, and if she’d done something the previous day with another friend, she’d talk about it with them in front of me. She would get angry if I didn’t eat in the cafeteria with her, but she would take our friends to lunch without me and wouldn’t tell me so I could make plans with someone else. She did so much worse to me, as well. I’m sure I wasn’t the best friend at times, but I didn’t outright ignore her. I stayed loyal to her even though I felt super lonely.
High School was so terrible, and I’ve needed time to heal from it. I cleaned out my makeup drawer and my closet. I got a new phone (which I actually needed) and purse. New clothes, just so I could start fresh. My phone didn’t transfer any of my ex friend’s numbers over, and I took this as a sign. I spent a lot of time with my sister over the summer because she’s the only one who wanted to see me, not that I’m complaining.
The healing process is a strange one, and I hope I can find more loyal, less manipulative friends when it’s over. I’m ready to start fresh again.